The key to real joy and optimal health is relational safety which sounds easy enough right? It can be, but without understanding what relational safety is and the challenges we face prioritising relationships, then we can easily and unintentionally miss the mark to connect in deep, meaningful ways.
What is relational safety?
Neuroscience tells us that we are social creatures. We need to connect with other human beings to thrive physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. For this to be possible, our relationships have to be a source of safety. What happens when relationships are stressful, overwhelming, and causing us more harm than good?
When I started working in foster care, I noticed very quickly that the key to healing was relationships. Over the years, I could see not just in my professional but in my personal life, everyone seems to have challenges in some way connecting and repairing relationships. How we show up in our relationships strongly influences our ability to feel safe enough to be our true authentic selves. Whether it’s respecting one another’s boundaries, communicating clearly and precisely about what we need from one another, being curious instead of rigid and defensive during conflict, taking an empathetic stance when responding to one another’s emotional experience and the list goes on, relationships can be tough to navigate and maintain overtime.
What do I mean when I say relational safety? Well a number of words come to my mind.
Predictability
Reliability
Consistency
Love
Affection
Acceptance
Playfulness
Curiosity
Attunement
Empathy
Repair
When a relationship has the reciprocal nature of being all of these things (and more), our brains read cues of safety. This sparks the ripple effect and flow of dopamine and oxytocin (reward and love hormones) throughout our body. It makes sense that experiencing all of the above themes in our relationships can bring us closer together.
Acceptance is a priority. When we are accepted in our relationships as our true, authentic selves, we have no shame. The other person see’s and loves us, flaws and all. How many people can you say you are honestly your true, authentic self with? It’s more than just having people in our lives we can share our real, deep emotions with. It’s having people around us who we can be vulnerable with, acknowledging our struggles and knowing that the other person will show us unconditional positive regard, no matter how we show up with them. That’s real acceptance.
Safety in relationships goes hand in hand with repair, the act of making amends after arguments or conflict. It is a tricky space to sit in but an important one. Whether it’s with our parents, friends, husband, wife, children (even as little as babies), repair is critical for relationships to flow over time in a way where there is no unresolved baggage from the past, that keeps popping up (because it absolutely will!). Actively seeking to resolve conflict and find solutions to repetitive and patterned disagreements, allows us to build confidence in our relationships, navigating the complexities and challenges of life and knowing when hurdles arise, we get through them together and are stronger for it.
What barriers do we face in our world to connect?
The world we live in certainly is not designed for us as social beings. Living in Sydney with the cost of living through the roof, it doesn’t take much to notice how fast paced life is, how financial gain and work often takes up our time, and not to mention the absolute sensory overload. Our lives can sometimes feel like a rollercoaster, working through the endless to -do lists, managing the stress and trying to find the time to catch up with that friend for coffee. It can be overwhelming, stressful, and at times, too much to handle.
How can we find our way back to one another?
Well, let’s just start by slowing down. Simply noticing your routine and schedule and looking for ways to find time by cutting or not adding extra to do’s will allow you to prioritise relationships. We can never get time back. Time spent with our loved ones is time well spent. No one looks back on their life and thinks, “Wow I loved that I made all that money and had all those nice things”. They reflect on their relationships and how much time and energy they put into them.
Slowing down allows us to simply be with others. Being with means being present, with no agenda and no expectations. Just sitting with one another where we are at. Your mind can often take you on an endless journey of to do lists and distractions, without noticing people in your life are reaching out to connect with you. Clarity of mind allows us to stay present and focused on each other.
Seeking our own therapy to build self-awareness is worth the time. Building our self-awareness allows us to have a deep knowing of ourselves, increasing our insight into why we think, feel and behave the way we do in certain relationships. We can make more conscious decisions about what we say and do which, in turn, can strengthen our relationships.
Grounding techniques to relieve stress and improve clarity, help to shift focus on to relationships. Grounding may look like getting out in nature, mindfulness, exercise, breathing techniques, yoga, meditation and the list goes on. Finding what works for you and incorporating it into your routine regularly will support your mind, body and connections.
The next step?
It is never too late to make changes if you are feeling overwhelmed or unsatisfied with your relationships and lifestyle. Create a life that brings you joy, hope, and love by shifting your priorities to seeking connections that are safe and fill your cup.
Are you pregnant and looking for a birth experience that upholds relational safety?
DOMIA Mind Body Connect is currently providing the Hypnobirthing Australia Positive Birth Program. Classes are available on Sunday 30th April and Sunday 7th May. Contact Jamie on 0426 977 553 or info@domia.com.au to find out more.
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