Since becoming a mum, I have reflected on so many things I know as a professional. One of those many reflections has been the importance of simply being with our children. The term “being with” is often spoken about in terms of attachment development, trauma healing, and play. Whether you are prioritising spending quality time with your child, friend, husband, or loved one, giving your undivided attention and care, with no time restraints or underlying agenda, can be tricky in this day and age. Spending time with our children is important for their development, sense of safety, security, capacity to sustain and enjoy relationships and the list goes on. But why is it that life often gets in the way of prioritising our relationships and how can we adjust our lifestyle to accommodate to simply be with our children?
What does “Being With” look like?
When I think about “being with” my children I think about time standing still, when we are focused on the present moment to moment interactions of play and curiosity. Being with our children is not about holding any agenda, or control over the interaction. It is about using playfulness, imagination, and affection to connect in ways that strengthen bonds with joy and love. It is your child leading the play and you following. It is your child inviting you to participate in their imaginary world of dinosaurs, car racing, and wrestling. Perhaps it is through the spontaneity of dancing the tango together, chasing each other around the house, or building cubby houses using cushions and pillows. It might look like cuddling your child in the shower as you rock side to side singing their favourite song together or joining them in their excitement of discovering new animals, flowers, or machines.
Being present allows us to simply connect with our children. When we do this and provide our children the quality time they yearn for, we are creating new neural pathways influenced by joy, trust, love, and safety. The benefits of simply being with our children spans deeper than this. It shapes the very fibre of their being, who they are, who they become and how they perceive others and the world. When we prioritise being with our children, we are building their self-worth. They learn that they are loved, important, and valued. Being with lets children truly be seen and heard as they make new discoveries, use their beautiful, wild imaginations, and develop a sense of trust in themselves and adults. It is through this reciprocal nature of play, curiosity, spontaneity, and excitement that bonds deepen, and humans thrive.
What can stop us from being present our children?
Whilst many people strive to spend quality time with their children, life has a way of creating additional stressors and pressures that can lead us of track. Most people are experiencing stress on some level. Whether it is financial strain, relationship issues, or work challenges, the fast pace of life can lead us to unintentionally dismiss or deprioritise play with our children. When we unintentionally do this, children can become invisible in the rat race of rushing to school or childcare drop offs, getting them to their after-school activities, and trying to find time to maintain a household. Thankfully, there are ways we can work towards slowing down and being mindful of ensuring we engage with our children through play.
How can we prioritise quality time?
As a working mum, I notice when my children need more of my time and attention. It can be the slightest things such as a shift in their tone of voice or facial expressions or more obvious indicators such as becoming upset easily, having repetitive disagreements with siblings, and not calming as quickly. Noticing these cues can help you to adjust your behaviour, so that you can be present with your children, offering them the connection, time, and play they need to be happy, grow, and thrive.
Routines can be chaotic at times, and children notice the repetitive, patterns ways we go about our day. I have always found that prioritising time to simply be with my children before I start to get everyone ready for work or childcare, sets the tone for the day. My children are more at ease, playful, joyful, and able to overcome any emotional challenges that arise. Adjusting and carving out time in your routine can help your children know they are valued and seen, even when life can get busy.
Whilst life is busy, we also need to look for ways to slow down. When we slow down, and stop over committing to work or social demands, then we have more flexibility with time. Having children has a way of really showing you how precious time is. Our children are only little once, and one day they will not need us or depend on us a much as they do now. Create the life you want to live by knowing your values, adjusting your lifestyle or routine, and creating memories with your children that last forever.
Are you searching for a deeper understanding of how to strengthen your relationship with your children?
DOMIA Mind Body Connect offers therapy for children, young people, and adults. Contact Jamie on 0426 977 553 or info@domia.com.au to find our more.
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